BOKASYONG AGUSTINO MINISTRY

VOCATION STORIES

The Ordinary

The following article has been originally published in the 2014 edition of the La Semilla, the official publication of the Postulancy and Pre-Novitiate House of Seminario San Agustin Intramuros. 

            I am just an ordinary guy with ordinary experiences. My vocation story did not start dramatically. It was not like a lightning striking me and telling me that, “Hey, you have a call!” It all started in Bacolod when I was a little boy, fascinated by the priest presiding the mass and giving communion. Yes, it’s as simple as that. I was too young then. For me, calling is a call to play a role; like my mother acting as mother and my father acting as father and it ends right there, only to find out that there is more to that.

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            As I grew old, I became the typical guy: dreaming big dreams suck as helping my folks, my sibling, and all sorts of things you can think of – very typical. I started figuring out what I want for my life: becoming a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher and an astronaut. It was only in my late high school years that I became attracted to the religious life. It was after our retreat that I became inclined to giving much thought on trying the religious life. I remember praying in front of the image of the Sacred Heart of Jesus when I first experienced my religious moment. I was praying so intently and solemnly when I just felt that I am being called towards priesthood. Of course, God did not speak to me literally, but it was that moment that I could feel in my bones that I wanted priesthood for myself; and so I asked permission from my parents and they just told me that it was too young and the feeling that I have was just caused by the “retreat aftershock”. I did not enter the seminary. And so I went on to college taking the most in-demand course at that time with a promise of a bright future ahead – Nursing.

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            I focused myself too much on the course. I was doing well, keeping in mind that my parents are spending too much for me. I simply cannot afford to let them down; I was an obedient son.

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            Then came the day of my realization. I was in my third year college then. Having the desire rekindled by the remembrance of the religious moment I had during my high school years, I realized that I was becoming so restless, the restlessness of the heart, so difficult to explain, I realized that there is more to earning money, there is more to having a house or a car, there is more to becoming rich – for these things are superficial. I realized that my life is more important than anything attached to it. I wanted to have a life. I want to live as a man following God. I wanted to become a priest.

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            And so I asked permission. What answer should I expect from my parents spending too much for their son with high hopes of helping them? They did not allow me, what made it more difficult was when my grandfather told me that he will disown me should I insist with what I want. I had no choice, I had to obey.

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            I thought it is all done. I was wrong.

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            So I continued with my life and went to Manila to work and hoped that I would no longer have the desire for the religious life. But I think I made the mistake of secluding myself from my family. It was in seclusion that I had more time to listen to myself and realized that I am still restlessness. Like you, I had my own share of asking for signs: I remember walking the streets of Gil Puyat in Makati, I said, “Lord, if you want me, right here, right now without a single step, show me a sign that you want me”…. (gesture)… and when I looked up I saw a billboard, all in black texts in white saying, “Follow Me – God”… I don’t know if I would be happy. I had Goosebumps. I said, “Lord, you’re scaring me, don’t be so literal.”

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            It was in the middle of the year 2007, the summit of my restlessness. I got sick – the pain in my abdomen was so intense, it was like the pain of appendicitis, but the only problem is, I no longer have an appendix. Alone and by myself, I underwent several tests, literally several, and then one afternoon and I can vividly remember that moment in May, I was in the doctor’s clinic, and with firm and sincere eyes, my doctor told me, “Alvin, you need to prepare yourself… we are not yet sure but in so far as your results are concerned you could have cancer, colon cancer.” I was shocked. I walked my way home and while walking, I just felt that I was floating in the air. I could have cancer. I could be dying. I was scared and the thought of death scared me. And so when I arrived in my apartment, I cried. And I realized that I am crying for a bigger reason… It is easy to go against your enemies. It is difficult to go against your friends, but it is way more difficult to stand and plea to your mother. I was shaking; I was full of emotions that evening. And I told my mother: “Ma, I could have cancer, and I could die. It is really hurting right now, big-time. I feel so terrible not because I am going to die, but I feel so bad because I would die without even trying the life that I’ve always wanted, the religious life.” It was the bravest thing that I ever did in my life; to speak to my mother like that.

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            I got operated and obviously I got well. It was that experience that I thought the world was about to end. But it was necessary – just as ending chapter one of a book is necessary so chapter two can begin; I entered the seminary.

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              Sounds like a happy ending?

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            I left the seminary after a year. I thought the seminary is a haven for the holy. I was idealistic. After leaving, I worked for four years.  I was doing well in my job but this time I did not stop associating myself with the church. I kept my communications with my brothers in the seminary. Somehow, my perspective matured. They say wisdom comes with age. After four years of working, my certainties became doubts. But amidst all doubts, there was one thing I was certain of, I was still restless – restless for the same reason, but on a different perspective. I entered the seminary for the second time.

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            I have this call not because I chose to heed it. I am called simply because God loves me, and that love I chose to reciprocate. I entered the seminary not because I am holy – God knows that I am not! In fact, I would rather accept myself as the most unworthy of all the people in the seminary. But I still chose to enter the seminary – simply because I am human… and through God I hope to become holy – like Him, like our God.