BOKASYONG AGUSTINO MINISTRY

           I have always loved the image of the door. We see a lot of doors everyday – small doors, large doors, wooden doors, glass doors, doors with locks, broken doors. There is an inherent paradox in the image of a door. The door is both an obstruction and an invitation. It blocks your way and yet gives you the chance to actually think if you would rally want to go in. When you are in front of the door, you put yourself into a dilemma: Should I go in? Should I stay out? Ultimately, your decision will change your life. A door does that to you.

 

            It is quite fitting that the Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI, has announced the Year of Faith with the imagery of a door. His apostolic letter Porta Fidei for the indictment of the Year of faith starts with “The door of faith is always open for us.” In this case, the door is open. Yet, like all doors, the door of faith cannot force us to go inside. It cannot and it does not want to. Faith is a free gift, and like all gifts, it can be rejected. The Holy Father assures us, however, that it is always open for us. God is waiting at the other side. All we need to do is come in. Unfortunately, many would opt to stay by the door – neither here nor there. Many stand by the door intrigued by what the door would eventually lead into but at the same time afraid of leaving the comforts of a familiar world. Many are by the door.

           

           When did I actually start thinking about priesthood? I’m not really sure. As far as I can remember, I have been attracted to the priesthood at an early age. I think it started with my parents’ active involvement in the church located within the subdivision where I grew up in Cavite. I was in Grade 3 when I was admitted to become an altar boy (Knights of the Altar, sacristan) in that same church. It was then that I started toying with the idea of becoming a priest. I became an altar boy all the way until I was in 4th year High School. In my elementary school, I became a reader and commentator for the mass sponsored by the school. That, I think, brought me closer to the church.

 

            When we transferred to Iloilo City, I enrolled in the University of San Agustin. Part of our curriculum was the requirement for 18 unites of theology. I was part of St. Monica’s Guild when I was in the university. It was a group of the readers and commentators for daily masses in our chapel. I also taught catechism in an elementary school near our university.

 

            I was supposed to enter the Augustinian seminary in Intramuros after my graduation. However, my father died a month before my graduation. I decided not to enter first because I wanted to take care of my mother first. My brother left for the United States in 2004 and I felt the need to be with my mother first during that time.

 

            Before I finally decided to enter the “door”, to enter the seminary and leave everything and everyone behind, I had cold feet. I was so afraid to leave behind a world in which I have certainty. I had a job. I was taking care of my mother. I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Then, God called. Some people don’t believe in the “call.” It is different for everybody, but it is the same invitation – the invitation to enter the door. However, saying yes to that invitation means that you have to leave everything behind. I was by the door. I was excited to find out what God has in store in me, but I cannot leave the world which has become my life. I cannot leave my job. I cannot leave my family. I cannot abandon my drams. So, I was there by the door suffering from cold feet.

 

            There came a time that I cannot bear just being by the door. I decided to enter. By the grace of God, that was the time when I felt an upsurge of faith. I decided to leave my mother into the hands of my relatives, not really knowing who will take care of her. That’s faith. I decided to leave my job and the certainty of my future. My friends, many of whom are ex-seminarians, told me that if I do not end up being a priest, I would be wasting years of my life I did not listen to them. Despite and in spite of everything, I entered the door. My feet got warm. That’s faith.

 

            I thought that everything will be alright the moment that I enter the door. I was wrong. If I needed to have faith in order to enter the door, I realized that it needed more faith to stay inside. It was easier to quit than to stay. I needed faith to battle sadness and frustration inside the seminary. I needed to believe that God has plans for me and that he will never leave me. I needed faith in order to believe that God wants me to stay.

 

            As we continue celebrating the Year of Faith, I pray for those who have cold feet and are still by the door – too afraid to come in. It takes a lot of faith to take that step. But remember that God is waiting for you. Just let him lead you inside. The door of faith is always open for us.